


Jayne's Handy How-To Guide (Birthday Edition)

by Ladytalon



Category: Firefly
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-08
Updated: 2010-06-08
Packaged: 2017-10-10 00:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/93038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladytalon/pseuds/Ladytalon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jayne tries out the "Voice Dictation" feature of CortexJournal, and gives advice regarding birthday parties.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jayne's Handy How-To Guide (Birthday Edition)

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[fic](http://midnightatnoon.livejournal.com/tag/fic), [firefly](http://midnightatnoon.livejournal.com/tag/firefly), [jayne cobb](http://midnightatnoon.livejournal.com/tag/jayne%20cobb)  
  
  
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**Author:** [](http://ladytalon1.livejournal.com/profile)[**ladytalon1**](http://ladytalon1.livejournal.com/)  
**Fandom:** Firefly  
**Characters:** Jayne  
**Rating:** PG  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine, not making any $$  
**Summary:** Jayne tries out the "Voice Dictation" feature of CortexJournal, and gives advice regarding birthday parties.  
**A/N:** for a prompt at [](http://community.livejournal.com/fireflyholidays/profile)[**fireflyholidays**](http://community.livejournal.com/fireflyholidays/). Icon credit goes out to [](http://xx-squish-xx.livejournal.com/profile)[**xx_squish_xx**](http://xx-squish-xx.livejournal.com/) :)

  


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**Jayne's Handy How-To Guide (Birthday Edition)**   
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[](http://photobucket.com) Shoot First, Forget the Questions ([](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=big_sexy_arms)[**big_sexy_arms**](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=big_sexy_arms)) wrote in [](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=merc_talk)[**merc_talk**](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=merc_talk)

A'right, I'm'a show all you suckers how to sale-a-brate a birthday the shiny way. Hmmm, that sounds like one of them fancy-ass Cortex cards…maybe I can sell that so's I can get another gun. Either that or grenades. Oooh, grenades… anyway, this here's my first time usin' the voice dick..dick tay-tor. Or whatever the _di yu_ it's called.

Anyhow, where in the 'verse was I? Oh, yeah. Showin' you how to make a birthday party that's better'n seein' Simon Tam pretend he ain't sly. 'Cause we all know the boy's got that incli-nation if'n you know what I'm sayin'. Person who says he's just wonderin' about apes whenever he's starin' at me when I'm workin' out? Yeah, that ain't right. Never heard 'em called _apes_ afore, though. Gotta be some Core slang.

Hey, you still listenin'? I don't talk just to hear myself, uh…talk, an' if'n Mal sees me sittin' down talkin' he'll be on me like a stain on a used porn disc. Y'know, the real skeevy kind that only cost a couple credits and are all worn out 'cause – yeah, yeah, _birthdays_. I'm gettin' there, don't rush a man when he's givin' you advice!

First of all, you gotta make sure that, wher_ever_ in the 'verse you are, there ain't no engine parts gone breakin' on ya and if'n you see a big protein cake, you better start runnin'. Them things never lead to aught but trouble in the end. Protein cakes and crazy sisters who were sneaked around in a box. I'm just sayin' – if you got kin to smuggle, make gorram sure they can pay the bill for the food they take labels off of an' rub in their crazy-ass hair. And hit other folk over the head with. Momma always said never to hit others with cans of beans, an' I stick by that sayin' one hunnert percent. That crap's just rude. Plus, you can never tell if'n you're gonna open a can fulla wasabi 'cause the label's gone for a walk down Crazy Lane.

Always watch out for strange fireballs comin' at ya down the hall, too. That's important to havin' a good birthday party. Nothin' breaks up the fun quite like the first mate gettin' toasted with somethin' other than hooch….'cause when she wakes up, she might think it was your fault or somethin'.

Lessee, what else? Uh, I talk about grenades yet? Yeah? Well, I don't remember that. Grenades is dead useful in any birthday party an' I'll tell ya why. See, if'n you happen to be in a bar somewheres an' there's only about three whores in the entire place…well, it's a surefire way to make sure you get yours good an' early so there ain't no sloppy seconds, thirds, and…what comes after that. _Plus_, nobody ever really thinks of how you can just put a couple of 'em in your pockets – you know, just carryin' them around just in case there's Reavers. Or some _chun zi_ who's mad at ya for sexin' his wife like it's your fault that he can't keep it up for longer'n ten seconds. There's a good reason why they call 'em fishwives – they sure do appreciate a swingin' cod when they see one larger'n a two week old koi. Grenades look real nice as decoration, too! I know this one lady, she's got a whole collection.

Huh? Who is she I hear you askin'?

Name's Ellen, I believe.

Does it really matter if'n her last name's Cobb? You're distractin' me with all these thoughts of the comments you're gonna be leavin'.

Awright, we went through cakes, sly doctors, canned goods, grenades, balls of fire…

Oh, I know. You gotta make sure not to go into an Alliance bar if'n you got anyone with ya who really likes the color brown. Trust Jayne on this 'un, kids.

Which brings me to the most important piece of advice you can get about birthdays… _get a stripper_. Don't even matter if she's ugly; Kaylee's engine wine'll make you think she's the sweetest piece of action you've ever seen anyway. If possible, make sure to see your way clear to gettin' some trim – man, woman, whatever as long's it's got two legs. Sometimes they'll take pity on ya if'n they ain't too _meili_ an' you act like they are. Gotten my ashes hauled plenty of times for free with that one, they fall for it every ruttin' time. Ain't too professional if'n you ask me…

I guess you could say that you gotta get the birthday folk a nice gift, but sometimes it just ain't possible to stop by Persephone Market when you've been in the Black for weeks an' you got a real bad memory for anything that don't go boom. Times like that, you gotta get creative. What I always do is, steal stuff from the infirmary. Riles the ever-lovin' hell outta the doctor, an' you can actually make somethin' real purty from what you swiped. Just make sure to paint it pink if'n it's for a woman since they like that color a whole lot. But if'n you get ahold of one of them adrenaline shots, just keep it an' sell it once you're planetside.

Only other thing I can think of is t'remind ya that folk don't like to pay for nothin' on their birthday. Hell, I don't like to pay for nothin' even if it ain't on any sort of special day! Here's whatcha do: if you got a table of more'n three people just send one to the "head" like they gotta take a dump, an' send another one outside to round up the Mule or whatever you're makin' your getaway in, _dong ma?_ Then when the fella in the bathroom has had time to scamper, you jus' stand up real slow an' act like you're all confused. Maybe say somethin' like, "Where'n hell's that _dai shagua_ got to?" loud enough so's the barman can hear ya. Then act like you're gonna go outside just to see where he is, 'ceptin' you just hightail it outta there soon as you clear the door. Don't forget to wear a hat or fake lip-rat next time you go back, though. Some of them barkeeps got good memories.

Hell, here comes Mal with that look on his face like his pants've gone and shrunk up in the wash t' strangle his ghoulies…. I gotta go and do some damn fool thing in the cargo bay.

[Current Location: The Ass End of the Verse]  
[Current Music: Crazy Girl's brain going out the airlock....I wish...]  
[Current Mood: Smart]

**Entry Tags:**

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birthday advice

little crazy person

sly doctors

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_Jayne's Handy How-To Guide (Birthday Edition)_   
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**(Read Comments)**

[](http://photobucket.com) **You Talk Too Much!**  
[](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=moonynthebrain)[**moonynthebrain**](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=moonynthebrain)

  
Birthdays are for dummies. :p

  
[](http://photobucket.com) **Re: You Talk Too Much!**  
[](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=big_sexy_arms)[**big_sexy_arms**](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=big_sexy_arms)

  
Yeah, so're sisters. Gorram freak.

P.s. That icon ain't nice.

2007-09-12 08:58 pm (local) (from 67.86.58.2004)

2007-09-12 09:34 pm (local) (from 67.86.58.2004)

~_fin_~  
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